The Year's Top Hard Science Fiction Stories 6 (2021) by Allan Kaster

Author:Allan Kaster [Kaster, Allan]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2022-06-17T04:00:00+00:00

Irene and I sit together on the floor of my apartment, leaning against the sensory deprivation chamber, sharing a bottle of wine. It’s almost empty now, and we’ve been talking for the whole evening. I haven’t told her that I have the illness yet.

I look at her. “What was it like to know her? I’m always telling you what it’s like to be her, but I’ll never know what it was like to know her.”

Irene smiles and closes her eyes. “Knowing her was the most wonderful thing to ever happen in my life. Our relationship was definitely a bit interesting, since we were keeping it a secret from everyone. We only met up a couple times a week, only spent nights together every Friday night when Sana was at a sleepover. But the separation only deepened our love for one another, only made us ache for the other’s company even more. And it made the times we did spend together that much sweeter. Every time I woke up next to her, every time I covered my head with a pillow to block out the sound of her snores, every time I made her smile, or became frustrated with how stubborn she could be, or listened to her give an impassioned speech, or heard her awful singing, or just about a thousand other things, it was all connected by this incredible foundation of just . . . love, you know? The deepest possible amount you can care about someone. I don’t think I’d ever truly loved anyone until I met Noor. The day I knew, I was poring over scans of patients’ brains, and a thought of her just popped into my own brain. I said aloud to the stack of scans: ‘I really care about her.’ And a week later I figured out it was love. I’m sorry, did that make any sense? I think I feel the wine.” She laughs.

“That made perfect sense . . . that was beautiful. I don’t know if I’ve personally ever felt that way about anyone before. But with Noor’s memories . . . I know what you mean, Irene.”

Irene turns to me and looks as though she’s about to speak several times, the expression on her face drifting from an almost-frown to an almost-smile and back again. The intensity of her gaze makes me a bit nervous, and I laugh to shake away the slight discomfort.

“What is it?” I ask.

Irene takes a sip of wine. “Nithya, because of Noor’s memories, of course . . . I really have to wonder, do you feel something for me? I mean, you tell me how much she loved me, and you describe to me what she felt. But it’s you living all of that. And you still remember all of it . . . I have to wonder.”

I sigh. “Honestly? Yeah, Irene. I do. Most of the time I have to work incredibly hard to separate her feelings for you from mine. And it’s almost unbearably tempting to just feel everything, the full extent of her love for you .

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